Being Fat Isn’t Easy

To preface this entire post: I’m not actually that bothered by how fat I am. I don’t have the body image issues most fat people have. But in general, it’s still true: Being fat isn’t easy.

To start with: Yes, anybody can LOSE weight, but some people are genetically predisposed to being overweight. My entire family barring like ONE member is fat. We all eat mostly healthy food. My parents both have high-blood-pressure, so we’ve eaten healthy food for YEARS. My dad is thin but only because he starved himself for a year and is now an exercise addict. He still eats TERRIBLY but now he works out so much it doesn’t make him fat. My youngest sister is normal sized and easily the least healthy person of all of us.

I’ve been fat my entire life. I was chubby as a 5 year old. I first realized I was ‘fat’ at 9 years old. In 3rd grade some girls were rolling their shirts because it was hot at recess and another girl said ‘You shouldn’t do that, you’re fat’. That was the first time I ever learned I was supposed to be ashamed of how I look.

I never had a boyfriend in middle school or high school before relationships are serious. I was too ‘fat’ for anybody to like me. I didn’t even feel bad about how I looked, I just knew guys liked skinny girls so I didn’t bother. I wasn’t even THAT fat. I was 5’5″ and 190lbs, sure, but I was a size 12. My sister is 15, size 10, and 165/5’7″. She wears a small in all but jeans (she has a big ass but is otherwise non-fat.) A size 12 is NOT that big. I was just normal sized.

As an adult, I unfortunately gained weight. Going to college, I gained that ‘freshman 15’ times two. I was 230 and a size 16. I was fat. But I never felt that bad about myself because I started going to the gym and working out. I never lost weight, but I got in such good shape I could do a yoga push-up plank, where you go from cobra position to plank position in one move. I was a size 16 and 230lbs, but I was HEALTHIER than ever.

Fast forward a year. I got a job that made me gain weight because I sit in one spot for basically 8 hours. I got up to 250. I’m a size 16/18. I still work out but I’m not nearly as healthy because after an 8 hour work day, it’s HARD to have energy to exercise. However, on vacation I wore a fucking bikini. I wore a swimsuit that showed my belly and thighs. I wasn’t even SLIGHTLY ashamed of that, just walking on the beach in a two-piece with no questions asked. Honestly, the fatter I’ve gotten, the more inappropriate comments from creepy guys I get. I still work out, I’m still in better shape, I just am FAT.

But then I know people with what I consider an eating disorder. I don’t go into details and expose people, but they are OBSESSIVE about their weight (I only see mine at the doctor’s office), they STARVE themselves for days in fad diets, they consider half a fucking pound weight loss an accomplishment, and these people are taller and thinner than I’ve ever been. Their obsession makes me feel terrible about myself. If someone who is tall and thinner than me is so fat and ugly they starve themselves, what does it say about me? I’m a fucking body positive person, because I’m in the best shape of my life and fat as fuck, and if that doesn’t say more for health what the fuck does? But if people I love need to be skinny to feel valuable, what the fuck does it say about me? People I love think I’m disgusting? If they’re smaller than me and feel so bad they need to stop eating, does that mean they find me impossible to look at?

The same people who stop eating tell me I’m ‘hot’ how I am, but how? How am I hot if they can’t stand themselves? I know it’s a personal issue, I know intellectually it’s not the same, but it SUCKS.

I wish I was thin. I wished everybody I loved was thin. Not because being fat is bad, but just so we don’t all fucking feel so wrong. Society has taught us this. I know people who legit equate a smaller waist with better health regardless for the reason for the smaller waist. I know women my size who run fucking 5K races with no issue. I’m not THAT healthy, but when I was 190lbs, I couldn’t squat down and stand back up without bracing myself against my knees. These days, I squat WEIGHTS on my shoulders. I don’t eat a lot. I rarely ever eat sugar or processed foods. I get told ‘that doesn’t matter’ but fuck it, only people obsessed with their weight STARVE themselves.

I want to embrace a healthy lifestyle without feeling it’s a failure because I’m not dropping pounds like flies. My dad lost a SHITLOAD of weight but he did so by eating 1500 calories a day and burning 3,000+. That’s NOT healthy. And even if it was, I don’t WANT to starve myself! I want to be HAPPY. Now that my dad lost weight, he fucking eats like a teenage boy again and works out 3 hours a day ON TOP of a very physically demanding job in construction. It’s not worth it. 3 hours in the gym or not eating is NOT WORTH it. Only psychotically obsessed people think it is!

I am fat. I’ve always been fat. I want to be healthy, but my idea of healthy is good indicators of health at the doctor, not a trim waistline. And in this society, it’s HARD to live that way without people giving you shit. But I refuse. I refuse to be bullied. I refused to be shamed. My name is Chelsea. I’m a size 16/18. I go to the gym 3 days a week. I eat moderately healthy but not to the point of hating myself. I’m unashamed to wear a goddamn crop top or bikini in public because ANY body is a swimsuit body. My favorite fucking food is salad for fucks sake, and not the kind that’s mostly ranch dressing, the kind with no cheese and oil-based dressing on the side. I hate fried food. I don’t drink soda. I have a very light appetite.  I am just also fat. God or whoever dealt me a shitty hand and nothing can change that.

And I refuse to bear the shame of others for being who I am. I am who I am. I try to be healthy for my body. This is the body I was given and I refuse to punish it by starving myself for exercising 3 hours a day. Shit, the fatter I am, the more guys hit on me, honestly.

I truly hope other people can accept who they are and just fight the demons I have to fight daily with my weight. No, I will never be HAPPY with how I look. But goddamn it, I can learn to love myself and refuse to let anybody else’s opinion matter. I’m 28, so that’s really all I can do. Weight loss is harder the older you get. Most likely I’ll be fat forever. It is what it is. I am who I am. I refuse to feel shame for that.

Martin Movie House Fright Fest: Friday the 13th

Tonight I got to experience something truly unique and special for someone born in 1991: I have never seen Friday the 13th before tonight, and I got to see it for the first time on a big screen.

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I’ve mentioned previously that Theatre Dublin is doing Fright Fest this month, showing horror films on the movie screen they purchased for only the low-low price of $5 per ticket. Let me tell you guys, you think surround sound is great, but imagine surround sound in a building with theatre acoustics. Talk about amazing experiences!

Having never seen Friday the 13th before, I wasn’t sure what to expect. Amazingly, my baby sister, who I went with, has seen it, so she knew what was coming when I didn’t. I will admit, I threw popcorn during the first murder jump scare. It ended up being a pretty solid horror film. Is it up there with my favorites? No, not at all. But I feel like I enjoyed this experience more than I will the other films I’m seeing this month because, unlike everything else I’m going to see, I got to see a movie from 1980 on a big screen for the first time. Every bloody second was in HD with surround sound and it was amazing!

My only real heartbreak is that so few people came. Just as with The Shining, there were maybe twenty people total to see the movie. It did show last night as well, but I figured with so many people without power still from hurricane Michael, a lot of people would like at least the entertainment and air conditioning of seeing a movie for the low price of $5, but alas, there were less people than at The Shining. My fear is that, should this not work out, they will stop having movies at Theatre Dublin, and it’s a great experience. It’s especially rewarding to have classic movies showing. This Fright Fest isn’t the only classic movies they have. Over the summer, I remember one month was Western themed. They also show new movies, which I guess probably gets more ticket purchases since the price is about the same as at the local AMC but with FAR cheaper concessions.

My sister and I got two movie tickets, two 24oz drinks, a popcorn, and a box of candy, all for only $21. At the AMC that would easily be $50.

My only hope is that more people will come join the fun in seeing movies you would otherwise NEVER get to see on a big screen like this. On the 18th, the film they’re showing will be Psycho and as that is a favorite of mine, I CANNOT wait to see it on the big screen! The closest I ever came was on the overhead projector on a 5 foot screen during Film Analysis class in college. This is gonna be awesome!

So, citizens of Laurens County and the surrounding counties, join me on October 18th in seeing Psycho, the famous Alfred Hitchcock film, at 7pm at Theatre Dublin for the low price of only $5 a ticket. I promise you, you will not be disappointed!

Martin Movie House Fright Fest: The Shining

I live (nearly) in Dublin, GA, and it’s a small town. We have about 16,000 people in city limits and 60K in the micropolitan area (because in Georgia, small towns are SMALL so we center around one town). We have a theatre downtown that in the past was a cinema called Martin Theatre. Now it’s called Theatre Dublin and before this year, it hosted local live events. However, in the past year, they bought a projector and screen and have been showing movies as it did before the 80s when we got a ‘real’ cinema in town.

For the month of October, they are showing various horror films (and various other Halloween flicks) for the season. Tonight, the first movie of Horror Fest was The Shining. As someone born in 1991, I never got to see The Shining on the big screen, and honestly, it was INCREDBILE! I thought it would be about $10 per ticket, but me and my sister got in for $10 total! For that price, I might see every single movie of Fright Fest just because it’s so cheap and every movie is one I like. I was already planning to see Psycho and Scream, but I think there is also Ghostbusters, Casper, Friday the 13th, IT (original), Scream, and The Rocky Horror Picture show on ACTUAL Halloween!

Rocky Horror on Halloween is THE BEST THING EVER! I’m SUPER excited for that!

Either way, if you live within driving distance of any of the showings during Fright Fest in Dublin, Georgia at Theatre Dublin, check them out! It’s a place of local history and I can only hope that these new cinema showings will help provide funding for further Dublin history!

(Also, as random as it sounds, don’t dismiss the ‘history on a pole’ display outside of Theatre Dublin. There’s a post that has a thing on it and if you press the buttons, it tells you the history of whatever you selected! I’m not shocked we got Top Small Towns with that kind of convenience!)

Book Review: One Of Us Is Lying by Karen M. McManus

One of Us Is Lying (B&N Exclusive Edition)One of Us Is Lying by Karen M. McManus

My rating: 4 of 5 stars

Let me start out with saying, HOLY CRAP! I’m angry I forgot to read this earlier. Second, even though I got spoilered because someone put trigger warnings outside a spoiler cut (my fault, I was trying to find other versions and saw a review when I ALWAYS avoid reviews before I finish reading; though I would def put trigger warnings below a spoiler cut, just saying), I was STILL shocked by the twist.

To start with, Bronwyn is one of my favorite YA characters I’ve read as an adult. I really, really liked her and identified with her, which means she may seem weird to actual teens but this is the life of reading YA when you’re 28, I guess.

Overall, One Of Us Is Lying is an absolute thrill ride of a mystery. I read about 1/3rd of this book over the course of a few days, forgot I had it, and then a week later, I read the other 2/3rds in a single day. It’s THAT much of a page-turner! I’m honestly sad I read this one before the book I’m reading now because wow, talk about a dip in quality!

I cannot recommend this one enough, and I feel like if I hadn’t been spoiled for the ending, I could have given this a 5* review for the shock twist I wouldn’t have otherwise saw coming AT ALL!

Read it! You’ll adore it!

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In A Funk(TM)

These days, I find myself in a bit of a funk. I’m not depressed, because I’m well aware of the symptoms of depression and I have no forms of those symptoms. I still love the things I enjoy, I still find reason to be happy, I still feel joy and sorrow and all the other emotions, and I’m basically still the picture of healthy brain chemistry. I’m blessed with that and I will never take that for granted.

That said, I’ve really been in a funk lately. I would say probably for about three months now, I’ve been feeling very ‘stuck’. I was rejected for the ONLY grad school program I was interested in that is within driving distance of where I live (I have no desire to move away), and after that I found myself in a rut. Though it’s not shocking I wasn’t accepted (the acceptance rate is only 10% at best for this program), I was really banking on that to be my ‘next step’.

I hate my job.

I do. It’s my first full-time job but also the most boring job I’ve ever held in my life. I’m a bank teller, and in a small town at a hometown bank, that means you’re decently busy on Monday and Friday and every other day of the week you spend up to an hour sitting in your station with NOTHING to do. We can’t have phones or books or anything to pass the time, and there’s only so much you can talk about with your coworkers when you are a queer democrat with no desire for a family and live in the rural south where some people still don’t let their kids read Harry Potter because of the witchcraft. I can’t leave my station except at lunch and to go to the bathroom, and even that I have to be sure there are two other tellers out front or else you CANNOT go pee (legal reasons). I’m terrible at my job to boot. I suck at math, I’m somehow even bad at counting even though I try SO HARD to go slow and use the sticky-finger stuff so the bills don’t stick together, and I’m constantly worried I will be fired, because even if I hate my job, I have a crippling fear of disappointing people.

However, of ALL the stuff I’m qualified for, I live in a town where even though it isn’t a tiny town, jobs tend to not be advertised as much as, “I know someone, let’s hire them”. The only reason I got this job is because a bigger bank DID advertise, and when my dad’s banker heard I applied to another bank, he offered me a job without me having ANY qualifications for this position. The reason I took it is because it offered $11.50/hr straight out of college in a state with $7.25 minimum wage, FULLY FREE health AND dental insurance, a 401K plan, and 2 weeks paid vacation every year. And after 6 months I moved up to $12/hr, so even less of a reason to quit. I CAN’T quit this job unless I can find something in my field that offers similar pay and/or benefits.

Unless, of course, I was going to grad school.

I was really banking on grad school giving me a reason to quit my job. I hate this job. It’s an AMAZING job but I hate it. I hate the monotony and the boredom and I honestly hate the customers. The number of time old drunk guys flirt with me or hyper-conservatives praise Trump to me (I obviously won’t offer my opinion since it’s A) unprofessional, and B) I live in a state where employers don’t have to give a reason to fire you and I KNOW I’m the odd one out) and expect me to join them, or just the general shittiness of the tasks of my job, it’s all just terrible. I hate dirty ass money. Money is disgusting and I’ve been a germophobe since I was like 13 and I can’t go wash my hands 12 times a day because I can’t leave my station.

Getting rejected by grad school means I can’t justify giving up such a well-paying, AMAZING benefits job. And since I have nothing else down the pipe now that I’m not going to grad school, I just have this sinking feeling I’ll be like one of my coworkers who has been a teller for 20 goddamn years.

It’s got me in a funk so that I don’t go to the movies as often, because my free-time is so limited. And I don’t read as much because I have less free time. I don’t watch TV anymore because I got behind and can’t feel bothered to catch up. It isn’t that I don’t want to do fun stuff anymore, it’s just that I haven’t got enough free time to DO all the things I used to do, so now I spend all my free time writing.

My fiction writing is booming, but I can’t afford an agent and am terrified of self-publishing, so it’s pointless. As a result, I have literally NOTHING to look forward to anymore. I’m not unhappy in general, but I have no GOALS. I’ve spent all my life from 4 to 26 with goals in mind regarding school and college, and now that I’ve been graduated for a year and didn’t get into grad school and can’t really afford to move (or want to move) to go somewhere else I might WOULD get accepted, I’m spinning my wheels. I don’t know what I want to do with my life.

I’m stuck in a rut.

That’s why I’m not posting as many reviews, that’s why I’m not engaging as much, and that’s why I’m so distant lately. Even though I may not be depressed, I’m in a funk. I’m having a TRUE quarter-life crisis and I don’t know how to get out of it.

So please, don’t give up on my reviews or my essays. I’m trying to hard to get back into keeping up with the times, but I’m finding it so much easier to just sink everything into the last creative endeavors I have left. I’m so used to a LIFETIME of creating stuff and getting validation from teachers and professors that now that I’m stuck in the ‘real world’, I’m just spinning my wheels. I hate that I’m not working on my non-fiction writing anymore to a level I want, but it’s just so hard to care when there’s no goal in sight.

I’m not giving up on myself, so please don’t give up on me.

And if anybody else feels like this,  please know you aren’t alone. I hate this. I feel so alone because there is no sympathy to be found. I’m making $12/hr straight out of college at an easy job with amazing benefits, boo-hoo. I understand why I get no sympathy here, because most people don’t have the same aspirations and goals I do. But anybody else in a similar situation, I feel sympathy for you. I feel your pain. You aren’t alone.

I’m going to be okay, and so is anybody else who is in this sort of situation.

NaNoWriMo Day 25: I Wrote The Bare Minimum

NaNoDay35

Today was a big day for Skate America and, as you know, I’m a MAJOR figure skating fan, so I really just wrote the bare minimum so I could stay above par with a slight cushion. I had to watch figure skating, though.

Figure Skating was tense, btw. I still have SO MANY FEELINGS OF FRUSTRATION with these judges. Seriously. They’re giving out PCS like candy after Halloween to certain people and seriously under-scoring other people cause reasons?!?!?!

Also my favorite skater got knocked out of the final, but I knew that was gonna happen, still makes me sad. =(